Let's Talk: Burnout
In the spirit of Let's Talk Day, sponsored by Bell to address Mental Illness. For me, it was not depression, phobias or anxiety that got me, but burnout. The thing is, it wasn't clear to me that I was struggling like this. I knew that I wasn't feeling like my normal self, but I couldn't pinpoint why I was so negative. I am normally a very optimistic and positive person, but I kept finding myself focusing on all of the negative things that were going on, and found myself complaining about everything. I had become the type of person that I don't like to be around, yet I couldn't stop myself from complaining.
This is not an easy thing for me to talk about, given that physically I looked fine, and I am the type of person who does not quit or fail. Yet even though I felt like I was not achieving what I knew I was capable of, yet I couldn't motivate myself to do anything. The other thing that is hard, is that there are many people who do not believe that burnout is real, and who don't empathize. "Just get over it" you will hear sometimes, and this is what I was telling myself, but I couldn't shake it. At first I thought that it was just a phase, part of culture shock, but when I felt negative and irritable and just not caring about anything every single day, I knew that it was something more than culture shock or general stress.
Something that is important for people to know is that there is a difference between stress and burnout. Stress tends to go away once you take a few days off or lessen your workload. It has taken me almost 6 months to start to get my creativity and motivation back. I felt like I had given too much of myself and that I had nothing left to give.
Some of the symptoms that I felt were a lack of motivation to do anything, in my personal life or my work life. I also felt like I was not appreciated for the work that I was doing, and that it didn't matter if I was the one teaching, or if somebody came off the street and did my job. I had trouble sleeping, spending many nights awake in the early hours of the morning (coincidentally, this was the time of day/night where I felt the most at peace as 2-4 am in Barranquilla was a time when there finally wasn't any traffic noise, and the stupid cats and dogs weren't hissing or barking or antagonizing each other). There was finally a stillness. Sleep problems are something that I am accustomed to, as I have had periods of restless nights, and I almost always need at least 30 mins to an hour to fall asleep. This however was different than just lack of sleep and general tiredness. I didn't feel like I had the energy to do anything.
I also lost any creativity and motivation that I had. I kept thinking about how I was in my first few years of teaching, and thinking about how I had become a worse teacher now than I was when I first started. But I was in a fog. No matter how much I wanted to be back to the teacher I was, I just couldn't figure out how to get there. I basically feel like I lived my last year in a fog. Now that I am coming out of the fog, I look back on the last year and I don't know who I was. It was just so frustrating knowing the best me was not where I was and it was like I lost the path to get there. I wanted to make the changes that we were trying to make at the school and in our department, but my brain just felt muddled and no matter how hard I tried, things didn't seem to work, so what is the point of trying. (I am a bit of a perfectionist, and one of my coping mechanisms is procrastination. This just got worse as I became more and more lost and detached from my surroundings).
Ultimately for me, I made the decision to take a break from work. Once I realized that I was dreading the thought of going back into a classroom in September, I decided to take a break from teaching. Almost instantly, I felt a little lighter, and didn't feel quite so overwhelmed by every little thing. Like I said at the beginning, it has taken me close to 6 months to start feeling more like myself again. I am recently back in the classroom, and I am reminded how much I do enjoy teaching, although I am trying to be careful, since I still feel raw; battered and bruised. I expect it will still take me a while to finish getting back to myself, but I am now optimistic that I can actually get there. I am exploring alternative options for my career, so that I have a path in place in case I need it. I am also trying to do some of my 'arts and crafts' type activities, sewing and quilting.
Something I would like to mention, is that this was not something that happened overnight, or even in a matter of months. Looking back on the last few years, I can start to see the signs of burnout starting even as long as 4 years ago, although I think at that point, it was only stress. One of the things that I was lacking last year in particular was a good work life balance, and feeling appreciated. I am thankful that I was in a position where I knew I could count on my family to help me through my much needed break, and that I had the clarity of mind to realize that I needed a break.
So yes, that's my sharing for Let's Talk. It is not the easiest thing for me to do, since I don't like to admit or feel like I am not good enough, even though that is exactly what I was feeling. Hopefully if you are going through something, you feel that you are able to share, either with me, or with someone else.
This is not an easy thing for me to talk about, given that physically I looked fine, and I am the type of person who does not quit or fail. Yet even though I felt like I was not achieving what I knew I was capable of, yet I couldn't motivate myself to do anything. The other thing that is hard, is that there are many people who do not believe that burnout is real, and who don't empathize. "Just get over it" you will hear sometimes, and this is what I was telling myself, but I couldn't shake it. At first I thought that it was just a phase, part of culture shock, but when I felt negative and irritable and just not caring about anything every single day, I knew that it was something more than culture shock or general stress.
Something that is important for people to know is that there is a difference between stress and burnout. Stress tends to go away once you take a few days off or lessen your workload. It has taken me almost 6 months to start to get my creativity and motivation back. I felt like I had given too much of myself and that I had nothing left to give.
Some of the symptoms that I felt were a lack of motivation to do anything, in my personal life or my work life. I also felt like I was not appreciated for the work that I was doing, and that it didn't matter if I was the one teaching, or if somebody came off the street and did my job. I had trouble sleeping, spending many nights awake in the early hours of the morning (coincidentally, this was the time of day/night where I felt the most at peace as 2-4 am in Barranquilla was a time when there finally wasn't any traffic noise, and the stupid cats and dogs weren't hissing or barking or antagonizing each other). There was finally a stillness. Sleep problems are something that I am accustomed to, as I have had periods of restless nights, and I almost always need at least 30 mins to an hour to fall asleep. This however was different than just lack of sleep and general tiredness. I didn't feel like I had the energy to do anything.
I also lost any creativity and motivation that I had. I kept thinking about how I was in my first few years of teaching, and thinking about how I had become a worse teacher now than I was when I first started. But I was in a fog. No matter how much I wanted to be back to the teacher I was, I just couldn't figure out how to get there. I basically feel like I lived my last year in a fog. Now that I am coming out of the fog, I look back on the last year and I don't know who I was. It was just so frustrating knowing the best me was not where I was and it was like I lost the path to get there. I wanted to make the changes that we were trying to make at the school and in our department, but my brain just felt muddled and no matter how hard I tried, things didn't seem to work, so what is the point of trying. (I am a bit of a perfectionist, and one of my coping mechanisms is procrastination. This just got worse as I became more and more lost and detached from my surroundings).
Ultimately for me, I made the decision to take a break from work. Once I realized that I was dreading the thought of going back into a classroom in September, I decided to take a break from teaching. Almost instantly, I felt a little lighter, and didn't feel quite so overwhelmed by every little thing. Like I said at the beginning, it has taken me close to 6 months to start feeling more like myself again. I am recently back in the classroom, and I am reminded how much I do enjoy teaching, although I am trying to be careful, since I still feel raw; battered and bruised. I expect it will still take me a while to finish getting back to myself, but I am now optimistic that I can actually get there. I am exploring alternative options for my career, so that I have a path in place in case I need it. I am also trying to do some of my 'arts and crafts' type activities, sewing and quilting.
Something I would like to mention, is that this was not something that happened overnight, or even in a matter of months. Looking back on the last few years, I can start to see the signs of burnout starting even as long as 4 years ago, although I think at that point, it was only stress. One of the things that I was lacking last year in particular was a good work life balance, and feeling appreciated. I am thankful that I was in a position where I knew I could count on my family to help me through my much needed break, and that I had the clarity of mind to realize that I needed a break.
So yes, that's my sharing for Let's Talk. It is not the easiest thing for me to do, since I don't like to admit or feel like I am not good enough, even though that is exactly what I was feeling. Hopefully if you are going through something, you feel that you are able to share, either with me, or with someone else.
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